Comedic Monologues For Women

52 mins read
Comedic Monologues For Women
Comedic Monologues For Women

Comedic Monologues for Women

Finding great comedic monologues for women can be quite tough. The perfect monologue can make or break your audition. If you’re going in to audition for a comedy role, it’s crucial that you choose a monologue that will accentuate your talent for comedy.

Deciding on a monologue is never easy, but it’s typical for performers to find that one monologue resonates with them over another. Spend some time before your audition reading through monologues, practicing the ones you’ve narrowed down, and picking one that works at both your talent and comfort level.

If you can’t seem to find the perfect monologue, we’ve put together a list of our favorites. Take a moment to read through and see what stands out for you! Here is our list of comedic monologues for women.

Dotty Otley from “Noises Off” – I Can’t Open the Sardines Can

“It’s no good you going on. I can’t open sardines and answer the phone. I’ve only got one pair of feet. Hello…. Yes, but there’s no one here, love…. No, Mr. Brent’s not here…He lives here, yes, but he don’t live here now because he lives in Spain… Mr. Philip Brent, that’s right…. The one who writes the plays, that’s him, only now he writes them in Spain… No, she’s in Spain, too, they’re all in Spain, there’s no one here… Am I in Spain? No, I’m not in Spain, dear. I look after the house for him, but I go home at one o’clock on Wednesday, only I’ve got a nice plate of sardines to put my feet up with, because it’s the royal what’s-it’s called on the telly — the royal you know — where’s the paper, then? And if it’s to do with letting the house then you’ll have to ring the house-agents, because they’re the agents for the house…. Squire Squire, Hackham and who’s the other one…? No, they’re not in Spain, they’re next to the phone in the study. Squire, Squire, Hackham, and hold on, I’ll go and look. Always the same, isn’t it. Soon as you take the weight off your feet, down it all comes on your head.”

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Mrs. Armstrong from “The Best Christmas Pageant Ever” – Give Everyone a Chance

“[Let me]tell you again, Grace, how important it is to give everyone a chance. Here’s what I do — I always start with Mary and tell them we must choose our Mary carefully because Mary was the mother of Jesus… Yes, and then I tell them about Joseph, that he was God’s choice to be Jesus’ father. That’s how I explain that. Frankly, I don’t ever spend much time on Joseph because it’s always Elmer Hopkins, and he knows all about Mary and Joseph, but I do explain about the Wise Men and the shepherds and how important they are. And I tell them, there are no small parts, only small actors. Remind the angel choir not to stare at the audience, and don’t let them wear earrings and things like that. And don’t let them wear clunky shoes or high heels. I just hope you don’t have too many baby angels, Grace, because they’ll be your biggest problem. You’ll have to get someone to push the baby angels on, otherwise they get in each other’s way and bend their wings. Bob could do that, and he could keep an eye on the shepherds too. Oh, another thing about the angel choir. Don’t let them wear lipstick. They think because it’s a play that they have to wear lipstick, and it looks terrible. So tell them…. And, Grace, don’t use just anybody’s baby for Jesus… get a quiet one. Better yet, get two if you can… then if one turns out to be fussy, you can always switch them.”

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Lady Mary from “The Admirable Crichton” – A Herd Near Penguins Creek

“I sighted a herd near Penguin’s Creek, but had to creep round Silver Lake to get to windward of them. However, they spotted me and then the fun began. There was nothing for it but to try and run them down, so I singled out a fat buck and away we went down the shore of the lake, up the valley of rolling stones; he doubled into Brawling River and took to the water, but I swam after him; the river is only half a mile broad there, but it runs strong. He went spinning down the rapids, down I went in pursuit; he clambered ashore, I clambered ashore; away we tore helter-skelter up the hill and down again. I lost him in the marshes, got on his track again near Bread Fruit Wood, and brought him down with an arrow in Firefly Grove.”

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Sally Brown from “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown” – I Got a C

“A ‘C’? A ‘C’? I got a ‘C’ on my coathanger sculpture? How could anyone get a ‘C’ in coathanger sculpture? May I ask a question? Was I judged on the piece of sculpture itself? If so, is it not true that time alone can judge a work of art? Or was I judged on my talent? If so, is it fair that I be judged on a part of my life over which I have no control? If I was judged on my effort, then I was judged unfairly, for I tried as hard as I could! Was I judged on what I had learned about this project? If so, then were not you, my teacher, also being judged on your ability to transmit your knowledge to me? Are you willing to share my ‘C’? Perhaps I was being judged on the quality of coathanger itself out of which my creation was made…now is this not also unfair? Am I to be judged by the quality of coat hangers that are used by the drycleaning establishment that returns our garments? Is that not the responsibility of my parents? Should they not share my ‘C’?”

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Lucy from “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown” – What I Intend

“Do you know what I intend? I intend to be a queen. When I grow up I’m going to be the biggest queen there ever was, and I’ll live in a big palace and when I go out in my coach, all the people will wave and I will shout at them, and…and…in the summertime I will go to my summer palace and I’ll wear my crown in swimming and everything, and all the people will cheer and I will shout at them… What do you mean I can’t be queen? Nobody should be kept from being a queen if she wants to be one. It’s usually just a matter of knowing the right people.. ..well…. if I can’t be a queen, then I’ll be very rich then I will buy myself a queendom. Yes, I will buy myself a queendom and then I’ll kick out the old queen and take over the whole operation myself. I will be head queen.”

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Elaine Robinson from “The Graduate” – Nothing’s Perfect

“Well nothing’s perfect Benjamin. I wish my mother didn’t drink so much. I wish I’d never fallen out of that tree and broken my thumb because it so affects my fingering I’ll probably never play the violin as well as I’d love to but that’s about it for the bullshit, Benjamin. It’s only bullshit if you let it pile up. Heaven’s in the details. Someone said that. I think Robert Frost said that. I was in this diner with my roommate Diane? And this guy came along with a goat on a rope and it turns out the reason he’s got a little goat on a rope is that he was thrown out the day before for bringing in his dog? But the point is that Diane had stood up to leave when she saw the man walk in and she sat straight down again and said, well if there’s a goat I think I’ll have dessert. And that’s why I love Diane, because if you think like that you not only notice more little goats, you get more dessert.”

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Janet from “The West Wing” – Pigeons

“I’m sorry, but a good HALF of the United States hates pigeons. One third shoots them for game. I’m not the only bad guy here. You would have voted for an elephant if it had told you it could fix the economy. Which, by the way, is still not fixed. A giant goose egg. […] I’m sorry if I am offending you, but I find it more than a little offensive that I just walked my daughter past a portrait of a pigeon in the National Art Gallery before I came here.”

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Helena from “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” – Out of Breath

“O, I am out of breath in this fond chase!

The more my prayer, the lesser is my grace.

Happy is Hermia, wheresoe’er she lies;

For she hath blessed and attractive eyes.

How came her eyes so bright? Not with salt tears:

If so, my eyes are oftener wash’d than hers.

No, no, I am as ugly as a bear;

For beasts that meet me run away for fear:

Therefore no marvel though Demetrius

Do, as a monster fly my presence thus.

What wicked and dissembling glass of mine

Made me compare with Hermia’s sphery eyne?

But who is here? Lysander! on the ground!

Dead? or asleep? I see no blood, no wound.

Lysander if you live, good sir, awake”

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Kim from “Rather be a Man” – I’d Rather be a Man

“I don’t know what it is with me lately but I just get so UGH! when guys come up to me, with their cheesy lines, (imitating guy) “Hey, you have such a beautiful smile” or “Can I just tell you that you are so beautiful”.Ugh!It disgusts me.I mean, who the hell does this guy or that guy think he is to give me such compliments?What gives him the right?I don’t do anything to give off any kind of interest whatsoever, I completely look the other way when I see eye contact happening and they STILL come over thinking they’re so suave and it’s simply repulsive.You know what I’m saying??What does a girl have to do these days?Maybe if I just vomited on myself the guy would walk the other way but I bet even then, I’d get, “The way you vomit on yourself is just so, so delightful.”…All I want is to be left alone.I have a man, I love my man and I do my best to be polite but the irritation and the cheesy lines are getting to be too much.Guys are blind, they really are, OBLIVIOUS to when a girl is not interested.There are days when I rather be a man.”

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Rosalind from “As You Like It” – And Why, I Pray You

“And why, I pray you? Who might be your mother,That you insult, exult, and all at once,Over the wretched? What though you have no beauty,–As by my faith, I see no more in youThan without candle may go dark to bed,–Must you be therefore proud and pitiless?Why, what means this? Why do you look on me?I see no more in you than in the ordinaryOf nature’s sale-work. Od’s my little life!I think she means to tangle my eyes too.No, faith, proud mistress, hope not after it:‘Tis not your inky brows, your black silk hair,Your bugle eyeballs, nor your cheek of cream,That can entame my spirits to your worship.You foolish shepherd, wherefore do you follow her,Like foggy south puffing with wind and rain?You are a thousand times a properer manThan she a woman: ‘tis such fools as youThat make the world full of ill-favour’d children:‘Tis not her glass, but you, that flatters her;And out of you she sees herself more properThan any of her lineaments can show her.But, mistress, know yourself: down on your knees,And thank heaven, fasting, for a good man’s love:For I must tell you friendly in your ear,Sell when you can; you are not for all markets.Cry the man mercy; love him; take his offer:Foul is most foul, being foul to be a scoffer.So take her to thee, shepherd. Fare you well.”

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Amanda Wingfield from “The Glass Menagerie” – That Old Trunk

“Possess your soul in patience – you will see!Something I’ve resurrected from that old trunk! Styles haven’t changed so terribly much after all.
[She parts the portières.]
Now just look at your mother ![She wears a girlish frock of yellowed voile with a blue silk sash. She carries a bunch of jonquils – the legend of her youth is nearly revived.][Feverishly]: This is the dress in which I led the cotillion, won the cakewalk twice at Sunset Hill, wore one spring to the Governor’s ball in Jackson ! See how I sashayed around the ballroom, Laura?[She raises her skirt and does a mincing step around the room.] I wore it on Sundays for my gentlemen callers ! I had it on the day I met your father. I had malaria fever all that spring. The change of climate from East Tennessee to the Delta – weakened resistance I had a little temperature all the time – not enough to be serious – just enough to make me restless and giddy. Invitations poured in – parties all over the Delta! – ‘Stay in bed,’ said mother, ‘you have fever!’ – but I just wouldn’t. – I took quinine but kept on going, going ! Evenings, dances ! – Afternoons, long, long rides! Picnics. – lovely! – So lovely, that country in May. – All lacy with dogwood, literally flooded with jonquils! – That was the spring I had the craze for jonquils. Jonquils became an absolute obsession. Mother said, ‘Honey, there’s no more room for jonquils.’ And still I kept on bringing in more jonquils. Whenever, wherever I saw them, I’d say, “Stop ! Stop! I see jonquils ! I made the young men help me gather the jonquils ! It was a joke, Amanda and her jonquils ! Finally there were no more vases to hold them, every available space was filled with jonquils. No vases to hold them? All right, I’ll hold them myself – And then I – [She stops in front of the picture.] met your father ! Malaria fever and jonquils and then – this – boy…. [She switches on the rose-coloured lamp.] I hope they get here before it starts to rain.”

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Original Monologue by Joseph Arnone – Don’t Look at Me

“Don’t look at me.(points) You.Eh, eh, eh…when I address you, do not look at me.No eye contact.Is that understood?Look away.(beat)Okay, look at me now.(snaps her fingers) I told you not to look at me.Even if I tell you to look at me, do not look at me. Understood?Good, good darling.(she removes her gloves and hands them to her assistant)Oh!I have something in my eye, can you help me?(pointing) Looking, looking, looking!NO looking under all circumstances.You must raise up that attention span of yours.A fish could retain more darling.That is true.I have read it.Less attention span than a fish.Do not let that be you darling.”

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Sarah Brown from “Guys and Dolls” – The Devil

“Brothers and sisters, resist the Devil and he will flee from you. That is what the Bible tells us. And that is why I am standing here, in the Devil’s own city, on the Devil’s own street, prepared to do battle with the forces of evil. Hear me, you gamblers! With your dice, your cards, your horses! Pause and think before it is too late! You are in great danger! I am not speaking of the prison and the gallows, but of the greater punishment that awaits you! Repent before it is too late!Just around the corner is out little mission where you are always welcome to seek refuge from this jungle of sin. Come here and talk to me. Do not think of me as Sergeant Sarah Brown, but as Sarah Brown, your sister. Join me, Brothers and Sisters, in resisting the Devil, and we can put him to flight forever.”

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Eliza Dolittle from “My Fair Lady” – My Aunt Died of Influenza

My aunt died of influenza, so they said. But it’s my belief they done the old woman in. Yes Lord love you! Why should she die of influenza when she come through diphtheria right enough the year before? Fairly blue with it she was. They all thought she was dead. But my father, he kept ladling gin down her throat. Then she come to so sudden that she bit the bowl off the spoon. Now, what would you call a woman with that strength in her have to die of influenza, and what become of her new straw hat that should have come to me? Somebody pinched it, and what I say is, them that pinched it, done her in. Them she lived with would have killed her for a hatpin, let alone a hat. And as for father ladling the gin down her throat, it wouldn’t have killed her. Not her. Gin was as mother’s milk to her. Besides, he’s poured so much down his own throat that he knew the good of it.”

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Gwendolyn Fairfax from “The Importance of Being Earnest” – It is Strange

“Oh! It is strange he never mentioned to me that he had a ward. How secretive of him! He grows more interesting hourly. I am not sure, however, that the news inspires me with feelings of unmixed delight. [Rising and going to her.] I am very fond of you, Cecily; I have liked you ever since I met you! But I am bound to state that now that I know that you are Mr. Worthing’s ward, I cannot help expressing a wish you were—well, just a little older than you seem to be—and not quite so very alluring in appearance. In fact, if I may speak candidly— […] Well, to speak with perfect candour, Cecily, I wish that you were fully forty-two, and more than usually plain for your age. Ernest has a strong upright nature. He is the very soul of truth and honour. Disloyalty would be as impossible to him as deception. But even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less than Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what I refer to. If it were not so, indeed, History would be quite unreadable.”

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Bachelorette by Leslye Headland – Regan’s Monologue ‘CAN I SAY SOMETHING?!’

Scene Three
Thirty minutes later.
The suite is empty as it was. A disaster.

After a moment, Regan emerges from the bedroom. A bed sheet wrapped around her. She goes for the coffee and gulps a mug full. The coffee is ice cold so she instantly opens her mouth and coffee spills all over he chest.

REGAN: Shit. Fuck. (Her cell phone catches her eye. She looks at it.) Douchebag. (She makes a call. Into the phone. ) What?!… Why the fuck are you calling me a million times? … It was on vibrate …I’m at Becky’s thing. I told you we would be out late … You go out every fucking Saturday with your meathead friends and I go out once … ONCE in the last six months and you give me shit for it … Uh huh .. Yeah … Well, I don’t care … because you’re an idiot … Yeah … I TOLD you we’d be OUT late … (She see’s Joe’s bowl, She finds a lighter and takes a hit. Into the phone.) You don’t care anyway… your residency my ass-fuck-face … No, I’m not smoking … I’m NOT SMOKING … I Fucking quit three years ago .. for you .. and you don’t trust me … thats what this comes down to … You … you … CAN I SAY SOMETHING?! (Jeff enters from the bedroom. He’s practically dressed. He picks up a coffee as well. He spits it back into the cup. Into the phone) Can I say one thing at this juncture before you start acting like … LISTEN! If you can’t trust me, then I don’t know what the fucking point of me EVER leaving the house … I’ll just bake a casserole and then lie around with my legs open until you feel like … YOU ARE SUCH A BABY! … That’s stupid … Well, I think you’re stupid … I’ll be home when I feel like coming home … FINE! MAYBE I WILL! (She hangs up and tosses the cell phone away.)

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The Last of the Red Hot Lovers By Neil Simon – Elaine’s Monologue- ‘You Hypocrite!’

Elaine:You hypocrite! You soul-searching, finger-smelling, hypocritical son of a bitch! Who are you to tell anybody how to go through life? What would you have done if I came in here all fluttery and blushing and ‘Ooh, Mr Cashman, don’t put your hand there, I’m a married woman’? Were you going to tell me how much you respect me? You know damn well tomorrow you’d be back behind that counter opening clams and praying to Christ I’d never come back in your restaurant. And you know something? That’s the way it should be. Forgive me for the terrible, sinful thing I’m about to say but I happen to like the pure physical act of making love. It warms me, it stimulates me and it makes me feel like a woman – but that’s another ugly story. That’s what I came up here for and that’s what you were expecting. But don’t give me, ‘When I was nine years old my mother ran off with the butcher and I’ve been looking for someone to love me ever since.’ I don’t know your problems and I don’t care. Keep your savory swordfish succotash stories to yourself. No one really cares about anything or anyone in this world except himself, and there’s only one way to get through with your sanity. If you can’t taste it, touch it or smell it, forget it! If you want a copy of that speech, send fifty cents and self-addressed envelope –

It’s getting late … and I have to feed the lion at six..

Don’t waste your time. We’re incompatible. You need Joan Fontaine and I need a box of lozenges.

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THE CHERRY ORCHARD By Anton Chekhov- Lyuba Ranevsky Monologue, ‘Oh My Sins!’

“Oh, my sins…. I’ve always scattered money about without holding myself in, like a madwoman, and I married a man who made nothing but debts. My husband died of champagne—he drank terribly—and to my misfortune, I fell in love with another man and went off with him, and just at that time—it was my first punishment, a blow that hit me right on the head—here, in the river… my boy was drowned, and I went away, quite away, never to return, never to see this river again…I shut my eyes and ran without thinking, but he ran after me… without pity, without respect. I bought a villa near Mentone because he fell ill there, and for three years I knew no rest either by day or night; the sick man wore me out, and my soul dried up. And last year, when they had sold the villa to pay my debts, I went away to Paris, and there he robbed me of all I had and threw me over and went off with another woman. I tried to poison myself…. It was so silly, so shameful…. And suddenly I longed to be back in Russia, my own land, with my little girl…. [Wipes her tears] Lord, Lord be merciful to me, forgive me my sins! Punish me no more! [Takes a telegram out of her pocket] I had this to-day from Paris…. He begs my forgiveness, he implores me to return…. [Tears it up] Don’t I hear music? [Listens.]”

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WOMEN OF MANHATTAN by John Patrick Shanley – Judy Monologue ‘I Will Dream On!’

Judy: I will! I will dream on. Because that is exactly what I am talking about. My dreams. Which you do not know. And which you don’t think are important enough to know. Do you think this body is something? What a joke! Any great poet the last three thousand years will tell you what a joke that is! This stuff, this flesh, this heavy breathing … We have this aptitude in our hearts and brains and souls to arrive at something so rich and inflamed and unspeakable and sacred and New! Not this tired shit you want to foist on me. That’s not what I want. I won’t give up my standards! I know what I know. If I tried to live on the kind of things you’re offering me, I’d starve to death. You’ve got to dig for treasure, Duke! Not settle for the stuff just lying out on the ground. You could sleep with me if you weren’t so god damn lazy and narcissistic and were willing to exert yourself a little and show some interest in the actual core of another human being! But you will not sleep with me because I will not perform a stupid mechanical pantomime, like I was trying and failing to remember something fine, something from a better world, something alien and beautiful and lost! What, you look vacant, don’t you get it? I’ll give it to you in a nutshell. I’ll give it to you in basic modern American: I’m not interested in the hardware without the software. Look, let’s just let this fall apart, okay? Don’t hang around for the sake of neatness. I’ll get the check. It was worth that much to me to have my say.

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The Importance of Being Earnest – Lady Bracknell

Monologue Length 2 Mins

LADY BRACKNELL: Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or die. This shilly-shallying with the question is absurd. Nor do I in any way approve of the modern sympathy with invalids. I consider it morbid. Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others. Health is the primary duty of life. I am always telling that to your poor uncle, but he never seems to take much notice . . . as far as any improvement in his ailment goes. Well, Algernon, of course if you are obliged to be beside the bedside of Mr. Bunbury, I have nothing more to say. But I would be much obliged if you would ask Mr. Bunbury, from me, to be kind enough not to have a relapse on Saturday, for I rely on you to arrange my music for me. It is my last reception, and one wants something that will encourage conversation, particularly at the end of the season when every one has practically said whatever they had to say, which, in most cases, was probably not much.

A Matter of Husbands: The Famous Actress’ Monologue

Monologue Length 4 Minutes

FAMOUS ACTRESS: It happens to every actress who is moderately pretty and successful. It’s one of the oldest expedients in the world, and we actresses are such conspicuous targets for it! There is scarcely a man connected with the theater who doesn’t make use of us in that way some time or another–authors, composers, scene designers, lawyers, orchestra leaders, even the managers themselves. To regain a wife or sweetheart’s affections all they need to do is invent a love affair with one of us. The wife is always so ready to believe it. Usually we don’t know a thing about it. But even when it is brought to our notice we don’t mind so much. At least we have the consolation of knowing that we are the means of making many a marriage happy which might otherwise have ended in the divorce court. [With a gracious little laugh] There, dear, you mustn’t apologize. You couldn’t know, of course. It seems so plausible. You fancy your husband in an atmosphere of perpetual temptation, in a backstage world full of beautiful sirens without scruples or morals. One actress, you suppose, is more dangerous than a hundred ordinary women. You hate us and fear us. None understands that better than your husband, who is evidently a very cunning lawyer. And so he plays on your fear and jealousy to regain the love you deny him. He writes a letter and leaves it behind him on the desk. Trust a lawyer never to do that unintentionally. He orders flowers for me by telephone in the morning and probably cancels the order the moment he reaches his office. By the way, hasn’t he a lock of my hair? They bribe my hair-dresser to steal from me. It’s a wonder I have any hair left at all. And hasn’t he left any of my love letters lying around? Don’t be alarmed. I haven’t written him any. I might have if he had come to me frankly and said: “I say, Sara, will you do something for me? My wife and I aren’t getting on so well. Would you write me a passionate love letter that I can leave lying around at home where she may find it?” I should certainly have done it for him. I’d have written a letter that would have made you weep into your pillow for a fortnight. I wrote ten like that for a very eminent playwright once. But he had no luck with them. His wife was such a proper person she returned them all to him unread.

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Brilliant Traces by Cindy Lou Johnson

Rosanna Monologue ‘Why didn’t you answer the door?!’

Loud Knocking on the Door

Rosannaapproaches the cabin door wearing a tattered wedding dress

(from outside): ‘Hello! Is anyone there?? Let me in! Im in very serious trouble!’

Bursts through the door, notices Henry Harry standing inside his cabin, shocked.

Rosanna: ‘Why didn’t you answer the door?! I could’ve frozen to death! My death would have been on your hands had that been the case! It’s something like 200 degrees below out there with wind chill and I’ve been walking for over an hour. My car died, dead. I left it out there, its probably totally buried somewhere in the snow. Somewhere – do you mind if I have a drink?

Sighs, takes a drink.

‘Im nearly frozen and I also may be suffering from frostbite of the extremities like my toes and fingers but I was able to keep my fingers from falling off by sticking them in my armpits. I saw that on a TV Movie once. There was this guy and he was in a skiing accident, immobilized and they were taking forever to get him a stretcher or something and so he asks this beautiful nurse who conveniently happened to be there I mean she couldn’t do something because he was freezing to death but she stuck his fingers in his armpits. That’s how she saved him! He fell in love with her then and there and they married later in the show. You know this is always the story of my life. I have to play all the roles, I have to be the one in trouble and the nurse too, sticking my own fingers in my own armpits, saving myself. But the problem is you can’t stick your feet anywhere you know not if you want to keep walking.

Im sorry, do you mind if I just –

Takes another drink.

Sighs* Ohh, so – this is Alaska! Oh my lord, It is harder to believe than I can even say that I am so much as alive. When my car died I could just hear the wind, I could just hear it and the snow was falling so fast and it was covering the windshield instantly, instantly ! And it was getting colder in there by the second and I just thought, ‘Rosanna, this is it for you,’ you know I knew that if I stayed in the car I would fall asleep and I might freeze and die and I knew if I got out of the car with the wind and all that, then I would fall down and freeze and die. Freezing and dying was up there at the forefront of my brain of things to consider but I thought getting out, you know, walking, there’s a chance. I mean a slim chance anyway but a chance so I got out.

Interesting thing about being on the verge of death – you don’t think about the good points or the bad points of life, you just think live! And let there be someone, a light, some warmth that’s all I thought. And then I saw your light, and now, here I am.

*Pause, takes another drink, finishes the bottle.

I’ll pay for this. (small chuckle) You know Ive been on the road for days, and days and days. I don’t even know when I got in my car or where Ive been all I know is that every five hours, gas, that’s been my system. Gas, pee, eat a candy bar, drink a coke, like the engine’s inside me and the car, and (notices a bag of pretzels, starts eating them). Is it okay if I have some of these pretzels? Because it’s just about candy bar time for me and I do not see any candy bars plus its probably best I lay off the sugar. Ive had nothing to eat but sugar for quite some number of days its cheap energy but sooner or later you gotta pay the piper in case of sugar, which I’m doing now. See my hand tremble, that is a Mars bar tremble. Plus I haven’t slept in several days not that I didn’t try mind you, I was awake, with a capital W. Like lying awake was what it was like. The hours passed and the road kind of bleared behind me. So I’m tired, and I’m hungry and the fact of the matter is, Im very dirty. Let’s call is spade to spade, I am filthy and I’ve sweat too much and this dress is a very close fit even in the best of circumstances and the truth is Im in pain, just like terrible pain.

That’s the only reason why I would drink this so hard and fast and it’s not like my muscles but like inside my muscles, my dna, my genes. Ya, I think that must be it or my rna? Im not sure. I just…

Ohhh, (Lets out a sigh,) Im sorry, its this terrible pain in my dna. Im dreadfully sorry Im more sorry than I can say.

Takes a step forward, grabs the chair, faints to the ground.

Fade to black.

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Picking the Best Comedic Monologues

Try to go with a monologue that matches your personality, to an extent. Yes, you’re supposed to be acting, but to nail your audition, choose something you can really identify with. Any of these comedic monologues will slay in the audition room, no matter which you choose. Good luck!


Comedic Monologues For Men

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