Leslye Headland Monologues

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12 mins read
Leslye Headland Monologues

Leslye Headland is a graduate of NYU Tisch and is an established playwright, screenwriter and
director. Her featured plays served as a foundation for later film and television adaptations including the
pre-nuptial drama, Bachelorette, which made its world premiere in 2010 at Second Stage – and later
was adapted into the 2012 romantic comedy starring Kirsten Dunst, Isla Fisher, Lizzy Caplan and Rebel
Wilson. The following year, in 2013 her play ‘Assistance,’ was acquired by NBC for television, starring
Krysten Ritter, Zach Cregger and Alfred Molina.
Leslye Headland has written each of her plays to highlight the Seven Deadly Sins – Cinephillia (Lust),
Bachelorette (Gluttony), Assistance (Greed), Surfer Girl (Sloth), Reverb (Wrath), The Accidental Blonde (
Envy) and Cult of Love (Pride).
Below you will find some of the most popular Leslye Headland monologues that offer both challenge, and artistic discovery. Headland is brilliant in the relatable characters she creates, written to empower actors to empathize and seize their true desire. Have so much damn fun.

Bachelorette
2010, Dark Comedy
Scene Two:

Katie: Everyone hated me. But you know what? It’s better than being ignored, which is all anyone does
to me now. You know what I hate the most about my job. When I say, “Can I help you?” And
people just look at me like I am a lighting fixture. I mean, even the people who have nothing but
disdain for me don’t piss me off as much as the people who think I’m part of the scenery.
(Drinks) Then, of course, they inevitably have to come back to me and ask for some fat size
because they’re fat.
Later


Joe: Will that make you feel better?
Katie: Fine. (Joe gets his things and exits the suite without lingering. A prisoner being released. He leaves the door ajar. Katie cries. Not like a grown person but like a little girl whose toy is broken. She boxes her own ears. A harsh attempt to snap herself out of feeling. To herself, methodically.) Stop it. Stop it. You’re worthless. You’re worthless. You’re worthless. Everyone hates you everyone hates you everyone hates you … (She sees Regan’s purse and rummages through it.) Come on. Come on. (She finds a pills bottle. A different one than Regan used earlier. A different color.) Jack. Pot. (Katie takes a handful of pills. She doesn’t empty the bottle. She replaces the bottle in Regan’s purse. She swallows the pills and washes them down with champagne. She chokes, then chugs again. )

Stop here if performing the scene without Joe. If you have a Joe then continue –
(Joe bursts back into the suite. He goes straight to Katie and kisses her deep and long. Movie star kissed her. I mean, sweeps her off her feet.)

Joe: Did that work? (Katie stare at him,) I’ve always wanted to do something like that. (Katie sways back and forth
for a moment. Then …)
Katie: Joe?
Joe: Yeah?
Katie: It’s not working. (Blackout)

Age: 30s
Gender: Monologues For Women
Type: Monologues From Plays
Genre: Drama, Comedic


Scene Three

The suite is empty as it was. A disaster.
After a moment, Regan emerges from the bedroom. A bed sheet wrapped around her. She goes for the coffee and gulps a mug full. The coffee is ice cold so she instantly opens her mouth and coffee spills all over he chest.

REGAN: Shit. Fuck. (Her cell phone catches her eye. She looks at it.) Douchebag. (She makes a call. Into the phone. ) What?!… Why the fuck are you calling me a million times? … It was on vibrate …I’m at Becky’s thing. I told you we would be out late … You go out every fucking Saturday with your meathead friends and I go out once … ONCE in the last six months and you give me shit for it … Uh huh .. Yeah … Well, I don’t care … because you’re an idiot … Yeah … I TOLD you we’d be OUT late … (She see’s Joe’s bowl, She finds a lighter and takes a hit. Into the phone.) You don’t care anyway… your residency my ass-fuck-face … No, I’m not smoking … I’m NOT SMOKING … I Fucking quit three years ago .. for you .. and you don’t trust me … thats what this comes down to … You … you … CAN I SAY SOMETHING?! (Jeff enters from the bedroom. He’s practically dressed. He picks up a coffee as well. He spits it back into the cup. Into the phone) Can I say one thing at this juncture before you start acting like … LISTEN! If you can’t trust me, then I don’t know what the fucking point of me EVER leaving the house … I’ll just bake a casserole and then lie around with my legs open until you feel like … YOU ARE SUCH A BABY! … That’s stupid … Well, I think you’re stupid … I’ll be home when I feel like coming home … FINE! MAYBE I WILL! (She hangs up and tosses the cell phone away.)

Age: 30s
Gender: Monologues For Women
Type: Monologues From Plays
Genre: Drama , Comedic


Assistance
2010, Comedy

NORA:
I wasn’t sure what the dress code was here so I… well, I bought this yesterday.
Like it was the first day of school or something. And now I’m telling you about it.
Which of course, sort of defeats the purpose of buying the new outfit for
the new job.
But none of my other clothes are like this so you would’ve found out anyway. It was
really expensive too. Which was stupid. Because I was only gonna wear it once.
…..
NORA:
Like, when I was younger, maybe fifteen, I read an article about him in the
Washington Post and it… well, I decided that I wanted to do that. You know. So I went
to the library and rifled through the periodicals and the microfiche and studied his…
career. So whatever, I got a dream, you know. Like he, or what he’s done anyway, gave
me a dream. I never thought about what I wanted to do until I discovered him. So I went
to the same college he did. I got the job at Canal Street. Intern, Receptionist, Assistant
and now Assistant to
the President. Assistant to Daniel. So I’m getting closer. This is
sort of a big day for me.

Age: Late 20s, Early 30s
Gender: Monologues For Women
Type: Monologues From Plays
Genre: Comedic


Heather, in a winter coat, is on her cell phone. She
waits for a bus. She is very upset. She listens to a tirade
from the person on the other
her end of the conversation.


HEATHER:

Mom.

Pause.

Mom! I’m not punishing you. I’m not doing anything.

Pause.

I don’t know what you want from me. I got FIRED. I got fired. I tried to get there and I
got fired for trying to get there. So all that work doesn’t even mean anything now.
Okay? I’m unemployed again and now I have to start all over somewhere else and I
worked on getting that position for years. Angling. Bribing. Dodging. To get that job.

For you.

Pause.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Why else would I put myself through that? I did it for you

and Dad. I WENT THROUGH ALL OF THAT FOR YOU!

Pause.
BECAUSE I WANTED YOU TO BE PROUD OF ME! BECAUSE I WANTED YOU TO SAY AT PARTIES

THAT I’M DANIEL WEISINGER’S ASSISTANT AND BE PROUD OF ME!

Pause.

I’m not going back there. I’m not. I won’t do it. I won’t beg for my job back. Because

I’m EMBARRASSED.

Pause.

BECAUSE I ALREADY DID AND THEY WOULDN’T GIVE IT BACK TO ME!

Pause.

DANIEL DOESN’T CARE THAT YOUR BROTHER IS DEAD! HE DOESN’T GIVE
A RAT’S ASS THAT I HAD TO GO TO A FUNERAL. HE DOESN’T CARE
ABOUT ME! I AM REPLACEABLE! HE DOESN’T KNOW ME FROM SOME
GUY WITH AN MBA IN BUSINESS THAT SOME OVERPRICED
NORTHEASTERN SCHOOL HANDED HIM YESTERDAY


Pause.

I’M NOT IMPORTANT. DON’T YOU GET THAT?!?!?? I’M NOT IMPORTANT.
THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT MADE ME IMPORTANT AND NOW IT’S

GONE BECAUSE OF YOU!!! AND YOUR STUPID


Pause.

I DON’T CARE THAT YOU’RE SORRY. I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WANT MY FUCKING JOB BACK, MOM. I FUCKING EARNED IT AND I
WANT IT back…Mom. I can’t do this. I can’t fight about this right now.
I have to go into a job interview in 20 minutes. I can’t talk about this right now.

Pause.

I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry. I think I have to come home… for a little bit. I can’t work

like this anymore. I think I’m going crazy.

Pause.

Okay. I’ll call you afterwards and let you know how it went. Okay. Okay.

Pause.

I love you too, Mom. Bye

uh.
She hangs up the phone and stares at nothing.

Age: Late 20s, Early 30s
Gender: Monologues For Women
Type: Monologues From Plays
Genre: Comedic

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