Theresa Rebeck Monologues

Lydia:
I don’t know you. You and I have never met. And you are wreaking havoc on my life. At first, I admired
Andrew’s interest in your welfare. He cares about people; he truly cares and I think that’s wonderful. But these past few months, I must admit, I have become less interested in his interest. Not only do I listen to him talk about you incessantly, any time I come over to have dinner or spend the night here, I am bombarded by you. When you come home at night, we hear your little heels clicking on the ceiling. When you leave in the morning, we hear your little heels. When you go to bed we hear you brush your teeth and talk on the phone, and listen to the radio and on certain evenings I could swear that we can even hear you undress. I am not enjoying this. For the past two months, I have been under the distinct impression that any time I spend the night here, I am actually sleeping with two people- Andrew, and yourself. In fact, when you came home with Edward tonight my first thought was, my God, the bed is already crowded enough; now we have to fit Edward in too? Now. I don’t know what went on between you and Andrew. I want you out of my life! Is that understood?

The Scene
2006 – Dark Comedy Act II, Scene 4
Clea: (Yelling)
You know what we should do tonight? My friend can get me into this party. Its up on the Upper West Side so its totally not like a really hip scene or anything, but there is going to be some movie stars there, she wouldn’t tell me who, but they also have this hot tub there? On the roof. She went to a party at this place a couple of weeks ago, and everyone takes their clothes off and gets in the hot tub. And then they have these cater waiters come around, Im not kidding, with Sushi. So you sit in the hot tub and like talk and eat sushi naked. It sounds so nineties, doesn’t it? Movie stars and sushi and a hot tub? Maybe they’ll play R.E.M. on the “record player.” Or do lines of cocaine. It’s so unbelievably retro, a hot tub on a roof. I sooo want to go.

Act II, Scene 7
Clea: I said LET GO! (She shoves him away, steely.) Get it together would you? God, you’re a mess, you’re really just a total wreck and there’s a party going on in there, Charlie! Get a clue! There’s four casting agents in there! Plus Nick – Ok, I’m going to tell you this I don’t know why because you so don’t deserve it but the fact is, he still needs somebody to play the homeless guy in the third act and it’s only two lines and I could get him to just give it to you if you would just – just tell Nick how much you love the pilot, he will really like that. You know part of the reason he gets so edgy with you is because he thinks you’re really talented, like fucked up but talented and honestly, if you just said some nice things it would solve everything ! Just don’t talk about having a glass of water with him. OK? That is too nuts. Holy beggars, also off the table, OK? OK Charlie? Honestly, you are so much work, I’m going to have to get a massage for a week to get over this. I mean it. It’s a party! OK Charlie? It’s a party.

Dead Accounts
2012 – Dark Comedy
Jenny: That’s what he said! Can you believe that? “The truth is complicated.” I’m thinking, not so complicated that they can’t send you to jail, you jerk. Yes, I rea—I know, Stuart, but after everything I did for him, my family? My father! My father got him that job. Oh do not tell him I’m here, he will have an aneurysm if he—yes, I know, but of course I feel, I’m not—no, Jack’s not here. I mean, he is here, I saw him, but he’s not here right now.
I walked in the front door, and before I could say three words there was this very convenient story about his father, and a kidney stone, and they all rushed off to some hospital. I mean, he did seem to be in some pain so what do I know, but I thought it was pretty coincidental, and I would not put it past Jack to actually give his father a kidney stone just to avoid dealing with this. He walked off with twenty-seven million dollars from a major international financial institution, and nobody apparently can figure out how he did it. I think a kidney stone is relatively simple next to that. I know—I KNOW I sound ridiculous but I’m truly at my wit’s end, Stuart. I’ve been sitting here for eight hours, by myself, in this house, why do people live in houses like this in the Midwest, you should see this place. There actually is, seriously, linoleum floors. Linoleum, it’s not a myth. And the cabinets are horrible. But get this: There are little ceramic plates on the walls with pictures painted on them, I’m not making this up. And the flatware is just, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it’s made of. Some sort of strange gray metal. Oh, oh, and the dishes are Corelle. It says on the back of them: Corelle. I don’t know what “Corelle” is, that’s my point! It’s just so deliberately without taste. And yes there are yards with grass and trees, Jack used to go on endlessly about all the grass and trees and air in the Midwest but honestly, I always found him to be needlessly smug about that stuff. Nature, like they invented nature. When they didn’t invent it at all; let’s face it, it’s just here. Big deal. A f***ing tree.

Seminar
2011 – Comedy Scene 2
Kate: She disappears into the apartment, yelling back, Martin waits.(off)
Everybody acted like, they all said he’s ROUGH but he’s A GREAT TEACHER BUT I DON’T SEE
WHAT’S SO GREAT ABOUT JUST BEING ABUSED. THAT’S NOT TEACHING THAT’S JUST BEING
A SHITHEAD. IF I WANT SOMEONE TO TELL ME I’M WASTING MY TIME I CAN JUST TALK TO
MY MOTHER. EVERYONE THINKS IT’S SO COOL AND FUN TO BE MEAN TO ARTISTS BUT IF WE
WEREN’T HERE THERE WOULD BE NOTHING BUT ANARCHY AND IMMORTALITY AND
CHAOS. WE ARE THE SOULD OF TE CULTURE AND PEOPLE CAN JUST FUCKING BE NICE TO US
ONCE IN A WHILE.
She reappears, carrying bags of chips and diet soda and ice cream. She sits down and starts to eat.

Scene 2

Kate:That’s right I’ve been working on it for six years because people like it – Frank Conroy read it, before he died, he was the writer in residence up at Bennington for one month and he read that story and you know what he said to me? He said it was “much better than most.” Not better than most. “Much better than most.
Martin: “Much better than most,” that is so lame, Kate.

Kate: Yes, it would be lame, coming from you but it didn’t come from you, it came from Frank Conroy. You know who else likes that story? Tobias Wolf. He read it when I took that summer writing class and he said it had some nice things in it.