The Canterville Ghost
Sir Simon monologue from The Canterville Ghost
- Play
- Oscar Wilde
- Men
- Playing age 30s–50s
- About 2:45
- Comedic
Sir Simon’s monologue from the play The Canterville Ghost by Oscar Wilde. A comedic piece for men with a playing age of 30s–50s, running about 2:45.
The full speech. Read it out loud twice before you start working it.
Sir Simon’s monologue
Sir Simon
Scene 8: The Haunting Resumes - Sir Simon Monoologue
Receipt and yellow pad of rent terms are pinned on wall of hall. Twins pin up fake ghost on wall and run around the edge of set to hide. Sir Simon enters and grabs rent terms off wall.
[Reading mockingly from paper] Dear Sir, As you know, we have recently purchased this
place from Lord Canterville. If you wish to remain here, we will be forced to collect rent. Please remit
payment before the end of this week. Thank you!
What?! Who are these people? Charge me rent to live in my own home? It is I who ought to
be charging them rent! [rips paper in half and throws it to the floor]
Starts walking to library and then sees ghost scarecrow
Ahh! A ghost! It’s a ghastly ghost!
Runs to his room
Oh, what a terrible, horrible ghost! I swear, it was going to kill me!
Wait, I have an idea. Maybe this ghost, this terrifying new phantom, can help me get rid of
the Otises. I’ll go talk to him.
[Talking to himself] Talk to him? Are you mad? That thing would soon rip me up as listen to
me gab.
How much damage could it really do? I mean, I’m already dead. I shall go forth and talk
business!
Enters stage gingerly.
Uh, Lord Ghost? Morning, Sir. [pokes with finger] I’m Sir Simon de Canterville, and I’ve
haunted this place for over 300 years, but I don’t think I’ve ever had the pleasure of making your
acquaintance. How do you do? [shakes hand, which comes off]
Ahh! [Staggers backwards]
Uhh, Sir, I’m sure you know what a danger this Otis family is.
Hey, wake up, you there! Come on, I don’t have all night! [Grabs arm and the whole ghost
comes down]
Sorry Sir, I guess I can be a little rough sometimes. Are all right?
Gah! What’s this!? [Holds up sign and reads] “Ye Otis Ghoste. Ye Onlie True and Origionale
Spook. Beware of Ye Imitationes. All others are Counterfeite.”
I have been outwitted? Never! That Otis family will pay for this.
Twins enter and attack with pea-shooters.
Lewis: Boo!
Clark: Boo!
Lewis and Clark: Ghost Noises
You rascals! [Holds up ghost] Was this your idea!? I’ll get you yet!
Twins chase Sir Simon off stage
Public domain text.
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About The Canterville Ghost
- The speech is adapted from Oscar Wilde's comic ghost story, first published in 1887.
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