James monologue from Secret Bridesmaids' Business

James’s monologue

Look, sex and love are separate things…Well, they can be, that’s all I’m saying. This thing with Naomi- okay, it should never have happened-but it didn’t have to impact on what I have with Meg. I thought that was the deal. It was a separate arrangement. She told me she just wanted a bit of fun, and now she turns around and does this…! I mean, where the hell did that come from? If I’d known Naomi felt like that I would’ve broken it off with her months ago. Well maybe. Oh shit, maybe not. But I just-I just wish women would say what they mean. You know-plainly, clearly state what they want instead of expecting you to be psychic. Meg bought me this T-shirt at the Warner Brothers store, and it’s got a picture of Superman on it. He’s wearing this perplexed expression and he’s saying You want me to leap tall buildings and be sensitive and supportive?! That’s how it is with women. They want you to slay a dragon for them one second, then cry at a guide dog commercial the next.

And somehow you’re expected to guess when they want you to be controlling and when they want you to be crying-and if you don’t make the right guess at the right time it’s instantly construed as proof that you don’t love them enough. If you really loved me you wouldn’t need to ask. How many times have I heard that? Well I’m sorry, I’ve loved a few people a lot, but no-one’s ever stepped out of the shadows and handed me a crystal ball. Anyway, I know I’m trying to change the subject. The fact is, I’ve been acting like a prick.

Excerpt for study and audition practice. Read the full play for context.