Paige & Andrew scene from Odd Man Out, practice script

ANDREW

(Theatrically)

You should have seen it! It was a bloodbath! Right there in the schoolyard, these gang bangers surrounded me! I was doomed! Then, out of nowhere, like some kind of superhero comes Howie Gordon! (now like a salesman) Do you know Howie?

PAIGE

(Barely lifts an eyebrow)

Why are you in my room?

ANDREW

Because Howie Gordon saved my life! I owe Howie Gordon my life, in fact this whole family owes him a huge debt. The Whitney name could have died with me.

PAIGE

Barbeque sauce? What, were we out of ketchup?

ANDREW

(deflated)

How’d you know?

PAIGE

You’re too chicken to fight, you usually avoid me like the plague and you obviously want something so spit it out.

ANDREW

Actually I want to do you a favor. I want to set you up with Howie Gordon.

PAIGE

You want to set me up with one of your geeky friends? Return to this universe why don’t you?

ANDREW

Howie’s not my friend, in fact he doesn’t even like me.

PAIGE

That’s a plus.

ANDREW

He’s snide and menacing - your favorite type.

PAIGE

I’m dating only on the college level now.

ANDREW

Look, at least give the poor guy a chance -

PAIGE

You are using up much needed oxygen on this planet and I would be doing humanity a favor if I put that barbeque sauce to use and fry you with this curling iron - so you better tell me what’s going on.

ANDREW

(blurting it out in a rush)

I needed two tickets to the Guns N Roses concert so I could ask out Teresa Armstrong ’cause I needed some type of engine for our date. And the only way that Howie Gordon would trade me the tickets, and remember I was desperate, was I promised him you would go on a date with him.

PAIGE

(back to her make-up)

I’d say you’ve got a problem.

ANDREW

(changes tactics)

Paige, look, you gotta understand - the thing is you’re beautiful.

PAIGE

Tell me something I don’t know.

ANDREW

The whole social thing, it all just comes to you. You don’t have to work at anything.

PAIGE

You think this eye-liner puts itself on?

ANDREW

Things are just much tougher when you are average-looking like me.

PAIGE

Average-looking? Don’t flatter yourself.

ANDREW

Paige, please, I’ve already asked Teresa to go to the concert. Howie Gordon will kill me if I don’t deliver.

PAIGE

You mean if I don’t deliver. You should buy yourself a big velvet hat and a Cadillac.

ANDREW

(resorts to begging)

Please, please, help me, I will owe you so big.

PAIGE

Stop with the pathetic routine, what have you got to offer?

ANDREW

(totally prepared for this

negotiation) I take the laundry chores for three months.

PAIGE

Six. What else you got?

ANDREW

Three months washing dishes.

PAIGE

We’ve got a dishwasher, try again.

ANDREW

I make all the beds, take out the trash and clean the closets for two months.

PAIGE

(the master)

Four. And I’m not going to kiss this guy, hold his hand or even wear a cute outfit.

ANDREW

(victorious)

Done.

PAIGE

One more thing.

ANDREW

What now?

PAIGE

You never tell another human being about how kind, generous and compassionate I’ve been.

ANDREW

Don’t worry, no one would ever believe me.