Charlie monologue from Pomona

Charlie’s monologue

Do you want to know what my fetish is? It’s weird. I have this real desire to jizz on everything. Like this sort of, this urge, like I want to cover the whole world in my jizz. (Laughs.) Isn’t that weird?! I think about it all the time, about how I could make everything in the whole city have this thin film of my jizz over everything, y’know? It doesn’t even feel like a sexual thing, it doesn’t turn me on when I think about it – it’s not a fetish. It’s like this urge, like needing a piss or something. I just need to do it. Even you. I want to put my jizz on you. But yeah, not in a sex way. It wouldn’t be sexy. Do you know how I first found out?

When I was really young, like before I even started masturbating properly, but I was still getting boners, we lived near this hospital, and round the back of the hospital was this mattress with a hole in it, like it was all sponge, y’know? So I would go and lie down on this mattress and fuck it. (Laughs.) This was when I was like eleven or twelve or something so I didn’t really get what I was doing but I just used to put my dick in things all the time. And when I found that, I would go there all the time and put my dick in it and fuck it until all my jizz would come out and soak into the sponge. After a while the sponge got all crusty. Isn’t that gross?

Then this one time, the mattress, it was round the back of the hospital, under this window, like I’d sneak under the window so they wouldn’t see, so I could fuck the mattress. So then this one time I actually took a look in the window, like after I’d jizzed already, and it was basically this room – I don’t know what they had wrong with them – but it was this room full of people all sat in these chairs with all wires coming out of them, all tubes, and they were mostly old people, and it was like a kind of ward, except there was not often any nurses in there or anything, just these people sat in the chairs with all the tubes and wires. And they all looked at me. I don’t know if they were like, cancer guys or that thing – what’s the thing with kidneys? Dialysis. Maybe they were that. Cos of all the wires. They were something anyway. And when I looked at them – they all had really sad faces, ‘cept this one lady who smiled and waved at me, I guess cos I was a little boy, and old ladies like little boys – but when I looked at them I just for some reason really wanted to like, jizz on their faces. I just felt like that was something I should do.

And not in some horrible sex way or anything, but like for some reason I thought it might help them or make them better or something.

Because I knew about sperms, and sperms are basically like a lifeforce, aren’t they?

So maybe I thought if I jizzed on all their faces, all the ill or dying people or whatever, they’d just get better.

And ever since I had thought that I just basically wanted to jizz on everything. Isn’t that weird?

Excerpt for study and audition practice. Read the full play for context.