Ben scene from Knocked Up, practice script

BEN

Nice place, huh?

ALISON

It’s really nice.

BEN

Sorry it took so long to get a table. I didn’t realize you needed a reservation.

ALISON

That’s okay.

BEN

You look very pretty, though.

ALISON

Thanks. Yeah, I just thought, I don’t know, I thought maybe it’d be cool to hang out a little bit and... We didn’t really get to talk much last time so I thought--

BEN

That we didn’t.

ALISON

I thought maybe we’d just talk and get to know each other...better.

BEN

Cool. Okay, I’ll start. I’m Canadian.

ALISON

That’s cool.

BEN

From Vancouver. I live here illegally, actually. Don’t tell anyone. But it works out in my advantage, ultimately, ’cause I don’t have to pay any taxes. So financially that’s helpful ’cause I don’t have a lot of money. I’m not

BEN (cont’d)

poor or anything but I eat a lot of spaghetti.

ALISON

So the web page is it just something that you guys do for fun? Do you have a real job?

BEN

Well, that is our job.

ALISON

Oh.

BEN

We don’t technically get money for the hours we put in, but it is our job.

ALISON

So, how do you...?

BEN

How do I pay rent and shit?

ALISON

Right.

BEN

When I was in high school, I got ran over by a postal truck.

ALISON

Oh, my God.

BEN

It was my foot more than anything. But, I got fourteen grand from the British Columbia government.

ALISON

Right.

BEN

And that really lasted me until now. It’s been almost ten years. I have like nine hundred bucks left. So that should last me for I’m not a mathematician, but like another two years or some shit...I think.

ALISON

Yeah. So, I have something I really need to tell you. It’s kind of why I called you. Here it goes. I’m pregnant.

BEN

Fuck off.

ALISON

What?

BEN

What?

ALISON

I’m pregnant...?

BEN

With emotion?

ALISON

With a baby. You’re the father.

BEN

I’m the father.

ALISON

Yes!

BEN

How the fuck could this happen?

ALISON

I don’t know. I thought you were wearing a condom.

BEN

No.

ALISON

What?

BEN

I wasn’t.

ALISON

Why not?

BEN

Because you told me not to.

ALISON

What are you talking about?

BEN

What am I talking about? You told me not to.

ALISON

I did not tell you not to wear a condom.

BEN

Here’s what happened, okay? I will give you a play-by-play of my memory. I almost had the condom on my dick. It was on the cusp and then you said, "Just do it, already."

ALISON

I didn’t mean do it without a condom. I mean "do it" like "hurry up," like "get fucking going!"

BEN

Well, I assumed you were wearing a patch, or like a dental dam or one of those fuckin’ butterfly clips or something like that.

ALISON

What the hell is a dental dam?

BEN

It’s like Saran Wrap! It’s disgusting, okay? But I thought you had one. Why the fuck didn’t you stop me once we started?

ALISON

Oh, my God! I don’t know! I couldn’t tell that you didn’t have one on! Obviously, I was drunk!

BEN

Was your vagina drunk? Did you think it’s the thinnest condom on earth I have on? I’m a fuckin’ inventor? I made a dick-skin condom? He hollowed out a penis and put it on? What the fuck?!

ALISON

You are unbelievable.

BEN

Okay, you know what? Maybe, I’ve reacted unfavorably. So what happens now? I don’t know how this works.

ALISON

I am going to the doctor next week...and I thought you could come with me to the gynecologist.

BEN

So you haven’t seen him, though?

ALISON

No.

BEN

So you don’t know if you’re pregnant.

ALISON

Well, I’m not a hundred percent sure.

BEN

You’re not a hundred percent sure. I bet you’re not pregnant.