Bobby scene from Five Easy Pieces, practice script

WAITRESS

What’ll it be?

BOBBY

(looking at his menu)

I’ll have an omelet, no potatoes. Give me tomatoes instead, and wheat toast instead of rolls.

WAITRESS

No substitutions.

BOBBY

What does that mean, "no substitutions?" You don’t have any tomatoes?

WAITRESS

(Annoyed)

No. We have tomatoes.

BOBBY

But I can’t have any? I can’t have any? Is that what you mean?

WAITRESS

Only what’s on the menu...(Again, indicating with her pencil) A Number Two: Plain omelet. It comes with cottage fries and rolls.

BOBBY

I know what it comes with, but that’s not what I want.

WAITRESS

Tell you what: I’ll come back when you’ve made up your mind...

BOBBY

Wait a minute, I have made up my mind. I want a plain omelet, forget the tomatoes, don’t put potatoes on the plate, and give me a side of wheat toast and a cup of coffee.

WAITRESS

I’m sorry, sir: we don’t have side orders of toast. I can give you an English muffin or a coffee roll.

BOBBY

What do you mean, you don’t have side orders of toast? You do make sandwiches, don’t you?

WAITRESS

Would you like to talk to the manager?

BOBBY

You have bread, don’t you, and a toaster of some kind?

WAITRESS

Listen, I don’t make the rules.

BOBBY

Okay, then I’ll make it as easy for you as I can. Give me an omelet, plain, and a chicken salad sandwich on wheat toast -- no butter, no mayonnaise, no lettuce -- and a cup of coffee.

WAITRESS

One Number Two, and a chicken salad -- hold the butter, the mayo, the lettuce -- and a cup of coffee... Anything else?

BOBBY

Now all you have to do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, charge me for the sandwich, and you haven’t broken any rules.

WAITRESS

(challenging him)

WAITRESS (cont’d)

Sir, the sandwich comes with chicken. What the hell do you want me to do with the chicken?

BOBBY

Ma’am, I don’t give a rat’s ass what you do with the chicken. You can throw it out. You can eat it yourself. You can hold it between your knees, for all I care.