Cliff & Zach scene from The Undergraduate, practice script

CLIFF

I just saw Ned Hallerman in that party.

ZACH

Boner?

CLIFF

Not anymore. ’T-Bone" Hallerman. And he’s a stud here. And he was with one of the most atomic girls I’ve ever seen.

ZACH

Bullshiiiiiit.

CLIFF

I’m not kidding. Zach, nobody knows him as Boner here. Or who he was in high school. In college, he can be whoever he wants.

ZACH

Good for Boner but that doesn’t help my wedgie. I always wondered what a thong felt like and it sucks ass. I--

CLIFF

I’m joining the CLAP program. I’m not gonna waste another year in the... Army of the Forgotten. I can start over. Like Boner. It’ll be a practice run for next year. Then, when I do get to ND, I’ll be a year up on all the other freshman.

ZACH

Ok, look, I know you had a bad day today. So you go home, you sleep it off. Boom. New day tomorrow.

CLIFF

No, it’s perfect. This, this’ll be like...a dress rehearsal. For the college re-invention of Cliff Keller.

ZACH

It’ll be the end of Cliff Keller. Dude, the CLAP program is for geeks. These are the guys that math club makes fun of. They egged their bus last year.

CLIFF

You yourself told me that changing my high school destiny was impossible! So what the hell do I have to lose?!

ZACH

Your life!

CLIFF

My old life. Zach, you get a UofM student ID in the CLAP program. Just like the regular freshman. A UofM student ID. Think about it. If I were already in CLAP, I would’ve had that UofM ID tonight. We’d still be at that party. That college party.

ZACH

With the two girls making out?

CLIFF

With the two girls making out.